James Harrison remembers what it felt like to walk alone on the Adkisson Greenbelt during those first months after his wife Ruth died. Earbuds in, music playing, and no real destination, he would spend hours trying to pass the time that used to belong to her.
“For a time, there was numbness, and there was a new sort of pain for me — mental and emotional pain — that seemed too great to understand or explain,” Harrison said. “Sometimes, it was unbearable. Nothing in my world was the same. Everything was affected, and everything had changed. I had been with Ruth for almost 35 years, so long that I didn’t really know how to live alone.”
In the middle of the long, empty days and nights, Harrison did what came naturally — he started writing. What began as journal entries about Ruth’s medical needs during her illness turned into something much deeper.
“Near the end, and then following her death, the entries became, more and more, personal expressions of grief and lament, even prayers to God, as I tried to cope,” he said. “Writing down my thoughts seemed a way to cry out to God about what I couldn’t seem to share enough with anyone else.”
Those journal entries became the foundation of “Just Me Now: The First Year of Life Without My Spouse,” a book Harrison wrote to both process his own grief and to offer hope to others walking the same difficult path.
“At first, the book was an effort to put these thoughts together, to share with others what this strange new journey was like, and to spread the word about this amazing woman I had spent my life with. I needed to tell someone about her,” Harrison said. “But along the way, my eyes were also opened to the vast need of so many with similar experiences to mine. There are many widowed folks out there whose hurts are hidden from, and misunderstood by, most of the world around them.”
Part of what helped Harrison in his healing — and what ultimately shaped the book itself — was the input of friends who knew his pain firsthand. Several members of his church, First Baptist Owensboro, as well as coworkers from Sutton Elementary School, had also lost spouses. Together, they formed what Harrison called the “Club of Hearts,” gathering for occasional lunches and sharing stories of both heartbreak and survival.
“I quickly learned that we could help each other with stories of our own struggles,” he said. “Their input gave me confidence that I was not alone, and some of their comments even made it into the book.”
Though the process of writing was therapeutic, Harrison said it was also painful.
“A couple of things were quite challenging,” he said. “The time and effort required to organize and bring all these thoughts and experiences together, in a sensible and readable way, was quite a marathon. Secondly, there was the aspect of re-living the pain of those difficult days my wife and I had gone through. Though therapeutic in a way, the process was also a constant reminder of the loss I was trying to deal with.”
Still, through the grief, Harrison said he found clarity — and a new way forward. In “Just Me Now,” he writes about the tension of feeling anger and gratitude at the same time.
An excerpt from the book reads: “Though I felt angry for a while, how could I direct my anger toward God when he’s the one who blessed me with Ruth? He’s the one who gives me good things. ‘You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing’ (Psalm 16:2). That’s how I feel and what I tell him! Only after months, though, and with reminders from the likes of Oswald Chambers. In My Utmost for His Highest (January 26), Oswald reminds me we must grow where we are planted, just as the ‘lilies of the field’ (Matthew 6:28-29). I am now planted in a new situation.”
Harrison reflected on that sentiment later in the book, writing, “Somewhere along the line I realized I should be doing two things — celebrating the life I had with Ruth and growing where God has planted me now.”
Since the book’s release, Harrison said feedback from readers across the state has shown him how many people are quietly carrying the same grief.
“Testimonies of hope and help have been coming from people of various backgrounds,” he said. “I’ve had locals tell me that knowing our story has caused them to take a new look at their relationship, wanting to improve their marriage. A retired funeral director sent a letter thanking me for bearing my soul, saying he had so many of the same struggles as I, and that the book helped him to deal with the loss of his wife. The same testimony came from more than one local widow.”
Others have shared the book with friends and family, and in some cases, it has led to new friendships and opportunities for Harrison to offer support directly. What continues to surprise him is how common the experience of loss is — and yet how often it’s handled in isolation.
“It is astonishing that, being so common an issue (everyone who is married will someday lose a spouse), so many seem to be hurting in secret, and that so many books have been written on the topic, that this book still can be useful in some small way,” Harrison said. “I’m thankful to reach one of the stated goals in the book: to let other people know they are not alone.”
Harrison credits his faith and his church community for helping him not only survive that first year but also find purpose in sharing his story.
“On the one side, this strong grief has challenged my faith like never before,” he said. “It has caused me to turn to God’s written Word and to lean on Him like never before. On the other side, there’s an even stronger Christ, who has wanted all along for me to depend on Him for every need. In this ‘new world’ where everything has changed, I came to realize that there is one thing that has not changed and never will change. That’s the unfailing love of God. With or without a partner, His grace helps me through each joyful and each troubled moment, and His mercies that are new every morning give me hope to carry on.”
For anyone newly grieving the loss of a spouse, Harrison offers simple advice.
“No one’s loss is exactly like another’s, but for all widows and widowers I would say… Give yourself grace, allowing time to openly grieve. There are no rigid timetables,” he said. “… Reach out — to friends, a faith community, local grief groups, friends and family. You may need some time alone to grieve, but don’t stay alone all the time. … Look into God’s Word, the Bible. It really does have practical help for the believer to get through each day and each sorrow, and to grow.”
For now, Harrison said he doesn’t have another book planned, though he continues to write and share devotionals with loved ones. His hope is that “Just Me Now” reminds others of what helped him most.
“I simply hope that readers will take comfort in knowing they are not alone in this grief,” he said, “and that there really is a source of help in the faith I described.”
Harrison gave a special thanks to fellow church member Danelle Young, who owns Danelle Young, Legacy Books and Blog, for helping with editing and publishing the book.
“Just Me Now” is available on Amazon here.
